Is it depression or just fibro brain?

depression gif

 

I’ve not been coping with life very well at all. At least, thats how it feels. I’d hoped to try to leave the house today but not only is nerve pain threatening in a couple of places but the rollercoaster digestive system that is life with pain meds also has other ideas and my stomach started cramping just as I was about to attempt to get dressed in ‘outside’ clothes.

Its wonderfully sunny out there in the real world today and I’m feeling thoroughly dispondent at the thought of yet ANOTHER day spent housebound. 

I’ve not been able to face my inbox/email properly for ages, or Twitter, Facebook, writing to or even texting friends. The Nourish Creativity group and site have been totally neglected…my muse has pretty much deserted me. I can’t muster up enthusiasm for much of anything and just want to retreat from life. My pain is bad, the fatigue even worse. I’m irritable, over sensitive and it doesn’t take much at all for me to feel overwhelmed. Especially when it comes to sensory information – noise especially. Conversations are draining me even more than usual, probably because I’m finding it very hard to concentrate or take in new information.

The oven is on its last legs, another ring on the cooker has packed in, the dyson didn’t work for a bit (though I managed to sort that out) the electric shower is leaking from the unit, my car battery died, the printer died, the air purifier died…get the picture? If I was able to, I’d run away…

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I’m behind with listening to Michael Nobbs’ podcasts, so the one I listened to today is from 29th April. He quoted from an early edition of The Beanie about the power drawing has for switching off worries, because it forces the analytical part of the brain to focus on recording what it’s seeing. But I find observational drawing too exhausting these days, I’m curious – does anybody else feel the same? He’s spot on, it is a form of mediation, but I’ve had to think of ways around my fatigue.

I found these mandala colouring books the other week. (She has freebies to download on her website.) Yesterday I forced Celtic mandala 30 min colouring bookmyself to scan two of them and print them onto watercolour inkjet paper, (yes, I had buy a new printer. TG for online shopping.) Today (Tuesday) I would dearly love to sit in the conservatory and start to paint one of them. Sounds simple doesn’t it? Sitting upright uses energy. As does getting out the paints etc. Holding a brush hurts my hand – though I found these which are helping. If I manage even a little meditative painting, I’ll post a photo…

More info about colouring mandalas here.

More art books here. (Not left notes about all of them, and haven’t got all of them, but I have read a lot of reviews etc…adding notes to the ones I have is on my list of things to do…)

 

 

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I did paint…decided it was time for some ferocious self care. (Another Nobbs Cast mentioned this podcast.)

Colouring in 

 

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4 Comments

  1. Hope you feel a bit better soon. I think if the pain is bad, and you’re exhausted, that’s enough to create feeling low. I had just an afternoon and evening of it yesterday, which I reckon is because I have been doing lots of resting this week. After a few days of taking it easy it seems to trigger a low mood.

    The painting looks lovely. Yes I find if I’m really exhausted and not feeling good, I can’t concentrate on anything properly. Even colouring in feels like hard work, though doing a little lf something does help me feel better mentally. I like watching films and happy telly but too much of that sends me into a downward spiral because I want to be actively engaged in something.

    And yes, some days household appliances or dealing with something practical but not starightforward seem to join in the conspiracy and I literally do break down and weep.

    Take care

    …and the group site will still be there for when you feel up to it. Remember we’re nourishing creativity, not beating it into submission πŸ˜‰

    • Tis v true – the resting period that has to follow any activity sometimes gets me so fed up because I resent it and wish i could be doing all the things i want to do. Though sometimes the tiredness is so extreme (like it has been) that i have no wish or ideas to do anything…complex this chronic illness malarkey aint it? πŸ˜‰

      Thanks for compliment πŸ™‚
      hmmm, I’ve had months and months at a time when i could no longer concentrate to read. Now all i can focus on is low level chick lit. Some TV shows i used to LOVE i cant concentrate on any more or get me too agitated. And if I’ve had a day with too much conversation in it – my brain cant seem to cope with the input of any more sound, hurrah for chick lit and teen fiction πŸ˜‰ But i do miss being able to listen to music…
      I used to be a movie geek, consuming film mags, regular visits to the cinema, watching dvd’s. now, cant concentrate on film mags for some reason, or pc mags…moan moan moan, woe is me! πŸ˜‰ Sorry – this has morphed into a whining session.

      Your comment about nourishing creativity rather than beating it into submission made me laugh – thank you, for the laugh and the reminder.
      Hope you’re having a happy and smooth weekend. X

  2. so, so ditto…………………ughhhhhhhhhhhh!

    Been fighting with myself since December. Finally getting some help with meds but they work awfully slow if they work at all. Switched from painting realism to painting abstract, that helped some. Not that its any easier, but it gives me a chance to be more expressive and be more in touch with how I feel and show it artistically, (something I’ve never done before). Gave up two facebook accounts so as not to spend too much time there and work on painting and creating and other things that need to get done including resting or cleaning my studio and clean-up after painting. Also have family. But like I said, everything is a challenge to get up and do. I DO understand what your going through I am trying to fight through the fibro fog and fibro pain and arthritis and all else too. I try to find the places in life to smile and appreciate them when they happen. But you are understood by me and many, many others.

    • “Finally getting some help with meds but they work awfully slow if they work at all.”

      – i Hate that, the way everything is trial and error and takes sooooo long πŸ™ Glad you’re getting help and also hope that the first thing tried is the one that will help. It took three months for the gabapentin to make a diff to my pain. If i hadn’t tried everything else i doubt id have lasted that long. It was also coz i didn’t have any of the scary side effects GP warned me about.

      “Switched from painting realism to painting abstract, that helped some.”

      – yeah, I find that helps too. Makes it easier for the buried angst and stresses to flow to the surface.

      “Gave up two facebook accounts so as not to spend too much time there and work on painting and creating and other things that need to get done including resting or cleaning my studio and clean-up after painting. Also have family.”

      – Im still struggling for a balance between online RnR/blogging/creating/life. Not sure what the answer is. Because of the way backlit screens mess with seratonin i try to limit iPad use in the evening. Im trying to doodle before bed rather than surf.

      “I try to find the places in life to smile and appreciate them when they happen. But you are understood by me and many, many others.”

      – one of the many reasons i’d whither and die without the interwebs… πŸ˜‰ Thank you. I do try and practice gratitude regularly and manage rather well most of the time. Just patches like these, i wobble a bit… So sad how many of us understand this life…
      Sending you lots of healing ((((hugs))))) and gratitude. May your spoons overfloweth πŸ™‚

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