35/52 – TrampledPosted by Sand on May 25, 2013 in 52 week photo challenge, Art, depression, quotes | 8 comments
Another tough week. Fighting what seems like a losing battle.
This week’s photo is of another doodle, which I then apped.
These two words have been cropping up a lot this week, probably because I’m struggling with both of them… A chronic illness alters all of your expectations big time. It also keeps moving the goal posts till it’s pretty difficult to predict what little you will or won’t be able to do from one day to the next.
Expectations have to shrink down to the size of very small things, and they still get trampled over by the illness. You try to accept whatever additional crap life chucks at you but there’s this little piece of your mind that refuses to let go of what things were once like. So although the expectations have shrunk – the ability to accept that shrinkage and loss feels like an un-winnable battle. Plus it’s an unfair battle, where the odds are all against you.
You spiral downwards.
The light at the end of the tunnel winks out.
What’s the point of making plans when they almost always have to be cancelled?
What’s the point in eating anything when your body will invariably decide it can’t digest it? Plus, who has the energy (or the inclination) to attempt to prepare food? I’ve no appetite – probably because my body finds something to complain about almost everything I eat. I’ve had a problem with potatoes for a very long time. I know that the nightshade family are a problem for many fibro sufferers. I began to suspect that i was eating too many tomato based meals so I eliminated them from my diet. The other day I had a sweet and sour ready meal…and the pain! Oh. My. God. The magnification of joint pain was truly awful.
Then there’s the constant sleep deprivation. The more tired i get the worse the fatigue is and the worse the fatigue is the worse the pain gets…and the coordination and the brain fog…it all ramps up in direct proportion to how much sleep is lost. And the tireder i get, the harder it is to sleep…and I could go on listing the challenges, but basically, right now, I’m at the point where i’m thinking – Whats the point? Truly – what is the point? This isn’t a life, its an endurance test. I’m not particularly competitive, so I’m quite prepared to admit defeat.
Game over man. Game over. Lets reboot this sucker…
(The app I saved this from didn’t have a credit for this – i’ll try and google it at some point.)
Right now, I’m too tired and depressed to look ahead. Or even back for that matter.
I decided to leave the above as it was. Right after i wrote it, i managed a THREE hour nap! Unheard of. Afterwards i felt a whole lot better and much less bleak. Thought that this illustrated nicely how much impact sleep loss has on, well, pretty much everything. I’m still feeling fed up etc but I am at least managing to stay more fully present and feeling less bleak.
This is one of my favourite quotes,
The very lovely @wakingdreamart tweeted this link last week – I’m majorly disappointed to discover it’s not Einstein…