32/52 – selfie, collage and words to live by

I managed to do a blog post for the Nourish Creativity blog on Friday, so was hopeful that I could write something to go with this weeks photo. So I waited to feel able to write…but it’s not happening. Hormones/fatigue/pain etc are all taking their toll right now and I’m having to retreat to cope with it all. It happens every once in a while, like a kind of sensory overload – I have to limit the incoming data because I just can’t cope with it all. I don’t think it’s depression…but, really, I suppose the reasons are unimportant. It is what it is.

I found myself folding some scrap paper into a little book, partly to see if the shape of the paper would work. Then I doodled in it – mostly because I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I’m too tired to watch TV, my eyes are too sore to read…and its too early to go back to bed because of the time that I need to take my last meds of the day. Here’s my doodle book;

Doodle book

I read this blog for the first time this week, and this paragraph perfectly put into words what I think I mean by sensory overload,

“Because when you’re chronically ill… a bug is just like Special Sauce on that Hamburger of Constant Pain. And because I’m in constant pain, I have zero immunity. It uses so much energy for me to be ill, I’ve got nothing left. And because of my pain meds and various reactions to chemicals, there isn’t much for me to turn to when I catch something. ”

I ended up at this blog because of her post about depression.

Here’s an article about a diet for neurological disorders. I think a friend sent it…or it may have come from one of the way too many blogs that I subscribe to…I’m going to have to ruthlessly whittle these down. I can’t cope with them all. Can’t seem to cope with much at all at the moment.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Last night I made this collage on my phone.

Digital collage

The fearless void


…and this week’s (well, last week’s) photo is another selfie;

Self portrait

Alas my hair hasn’t stayed this pink…


 

 

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4 Comments

  1. I love your words to live by – especially taking note of ‘don’t catch up, just carry on’. I spin out of – ‘outside life’ too, for me it’s a form of depression, yes, perhaps sensory overload, without the pain. Makes me feel so inadequate, when ‘everyone else’ seems able to keep up. Whoever ‘everyone’ really is – I guess they’re a Fabled Crowd, but they flesh to real in my head 😉 I’m relating to what you write, although I won’t pretend to know what living with so much pain is like… Feel for you – not sorry, but empathy – sending you a hug and hope for [relatively] good days…
    Selfie is awesome 😀 So what is it now – red? Love it! x!

    • Sorry for the delay lovely lady 🙁
      Brains refusing to cooperate…wanted to do a proper reply but for now it will have to be – thanks,oodles for the hugs and empathy, massively appreciated. Sad that you understand depression well 🙁 rather wish nobody did, iyswim?!
      Hair – yeah, red 😉 theres a story, but it will have to wait for another day, (tho I’m sure my hair oddities and hairdresser’s entertaining behaviour only interest me lol)

      • iswym! & no worries about answering – although I AM fascinated now, to know more about all the entertainment surrounding the hair 😉 x

        • 🙂 Thank you – the hair story isn’t particularly exciting…it was basically me acting out of character and my hairdresser going into panic mode 😉 I was always more of a planner than somebody prone to spontaneity. Now I have no option, and even with planning I frequently have to cancel.
          Ive always vaguely wanted my hair a bright red or pink colour, but when i used to dye/bleach it in my teens and twenties no matter what colour i chose, it always ended up copper 😉
          When my health took a dive after chicken pox, I went as chemical free and organic as i could. Now due to all the meds I’m on i figure my liver et al have enough to cope with, so hair dye etc is out.
          But stress and the menopause are starting to fade my hair colour, grey is creeping in and because I have no intention of dyeing away the grey, it suddenly occurred to me that if i want to try a different colour it’ll have to be done soon.
          My hair is short, but my trips to the hairdresser often have to be cancelled (or just cant be made in the first place) I was sitting in the chair during my last overdue visit discussing my crazy impulse for pink hair but knowing my body couldn’t take the time involved or the bleach etc. ‘Have a semi-permanent’ says (hairdresser) John.
          ‘That wont make my hair pink’ says I, ‘it’ll just go the usual reddy copper.’
          ‘Oh yes it will, it’ll be like your bag.’ I raise a disbelieving eyebrow and he pauses cutting to get a colour book. He points to all the boring red and copper colours. I point to the bright pink which is one of the base/mixing colours.
          ‘You’re not serious?’
          ‘Know what I want to say right now?’ Says me. ‘Stop cutting and put that pink on it and see what happens.’
          He laughs thinking I’m joking, realises I’m not, looks panicked. Goes for another colour book.
          ‘Boring. Done them.’ I say.
          ‘Are you sure? It’ll be like your bag!’ He says, again. Then starts to organise for me to have a colour put on. But keeps checking I’m sure and generally flapping. Which I just don’t understand – its only a semipermanent for goodness sake! Plus, i don’t leave the house much!
          The girl putting on the colour takes a before photo for her college folder…then when its all over looks as disappointed as i do, lol. ‘Whys it done that?’ She asks him.
          He’s visibly relieved and says he likes it…

          Its kind of encouraging really, because at least my hair is acting like it always used to 😉
          Sorry! A long and boring tale…although it caused a fair amount of uproar in the salon. People i didn’t know coming up to me and saying they thought it would look nice lol.

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